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3. Use calming activities: When I think of someone who was
expert at defusing highly volatile, emotional situations, the late
Dr. Karyn Purvis immediately comes to mind. She had a way of
connecting with children, determining their true needs and the
motivations behind what looked like disrespectful or illogical
behavior.
To parents, Dr. Purvis emphasized that self-regulation comes
out of external regulation and co-regulation. In other words, be-
fore self-regulation is internalized or “comes naturally,” there are
outward activities that parents can teach and do alongside their
children to help them develop self-regulation.
Dr. Purvis shared the following calming activities during one
of her seminars:
• Pressing a finger to the upper
lip - the “Magic Mustache”
(parasympathetic pressure point)
• Blowing
• Deep breathing
• Licking or sucking on candy,
such as a Tootsie Roll or lollipop
Dr. Purvis also recommends hav-
ing a plan for your child when
“things are falling apart.” This could
include having your child do light
weights, snuggle under a weighted
blanket, or smell essential oils.
4. Have a time-out area. You
could keep tools for “calming or sen-
sory activities” in this area.
5. Maintain good nutrition. I’m
not a nutritionist, but I know from experience that some foods
can trigger unwanted behaviors. Also, poor nutrition can affect a
child’s behavior. Dr. Purvis offers nutritional tips for children who
are constantly on “high alert,” ready to fight, freeze, or flee situa-
tions perceived to be a threat in some way:
• Stay hydrated (drink lots of water)
• Eat every two hours, with a protein snack at bedtime
• Avoid sugary foods
Another tip not related to nutrition is to have your child en-
gage in a sensory activity every few hours.
Understand what’s really going on
Jim and Lynne Jackson are the co-founders of Connected
Families. Together, they train parents by means of seminars, a
weekly blog, and through their book, Discipline that Connects
to Your Child’s Heart. Lynne’s background as an occupational
therapist gives her a unique perspective when it comes to deal-
ing with difficult behaviors in children. In a recent article, she
encouraged parents to “spend a little more time understanding
‘What’s going on with my child?’ instead of ‘What should I do?’
By learning more about their child’s nervous system, parents can
get strong clues.”
My husband and I have a daughter whose behavior can be in-
tense at times. A few years ago, we began to worry about her, as
she seemed to be in a constant state of “fight or flight.”We tried
everything we could think of to gain her cooperation, but our
threats, bribes, and punishments just led to more drama!
Finally, we stopped trying to fix her outrageous emotional
outbursts and behavior. Instead, we sought to understand and
address the sensory and physical needs that were at the root of
her “fighting and flighting.” Once we made that shift, her emo-
tions and behavior began to even out.
Make “mirror neurons”work for you
Have you ever started yawning when someone else in the
room yawns? That phenomenon is caused by “mirror neurons.”
Believe it or not, mirror neurons can help you encourage your
child’s emotional control!
If your child’s mood begins to “darken,” try looking deep into
his eyes and smiling calmly at him. Say words that are encourag-
ing. Turn away quickly and do it again. You may have to do this
several times.
Although it sounds ridiculous,
often this type of interaction will
cause the child to smile. They
can’t help themselves. Once the
smile comes, the cycle of negativ-
ity seems to break. And sometimes
that is enough to calm a situation
that is about to get explosive.
Above all, don’t give up on your
children when behaviors and emo-
tions are beyond intense! Come
alongside them, offering the sup-
port and tools they need to regulate
their emotions. With your help, they
will be well on their way to emotion-
al self-regulation.
Recommended resources:
Respectful Kids by Dr. Todd Cartmell offers practical ideas for
nurturing respectful behavior in your children. It’s a must-have
book for families who have adopted a child or who are raising
a child with emotional and behavioral issues. Full of practical
advice, as well as theory.
The Connected Child: Bringing Hope and Healing to Your Adop-
tive Family by Dr. Karyn Purvis, Wendy L. Sunshine, and Dr. David
Cross.
Companion website to The Con-
nected Child. Archived videos, informative articles, and other
parenting resources can be found here.
Connected Families - Jim and Lynne Jackson’s website. Ar-
ticles, books, and other resources that support their parenting
approach are available on this site.
The Out of Sync Child by Carol Kranowitz is a classic book on
the topic of Sensory Integration Disorder.
Krisa Winn holds a bachelor’s degree in Early Childhood and Elementary Education and
an associate’s degree in Practical Theology. For more than 20 years, she has been a class-
room teacher in both the private Christian school and public school set-
tings. In 2012, Krisa joined Home School Legal Defense Association as a
special needs consultant. In that capacity, she offers resources, support,
and guidance to parents who are homeschooling children with special
needs.
Help your child develop
emotional self-regulation:
1) Model emotional self-regulation
2) Encourage “flexible thinking”
3) Use calming activities
4) Have a time-out area
5) Maintain good nutrition