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Do you have a child who can go from zero to 100 on the
emotional scale in less than no time? Are the simplest
requests to get ready for math or find a notebook turn-
ing into major battles? Are your child’s emotional meltdowns
unpredictable? Do you find you never know what might “set
him off”?
Not only are these behaviors confusing and upsetting to all
involved, they impact your child’s ability to stay on track with
academic studies.
What’s a parent to do? Are there ways to defuse these situa-
tions? Yes, there are!
While many factors can contribute to these types of behav-
iors, children who display them share a common struggle—they
have difficulty regulating their emotions.
Emotional self-regulation is the ability to control oneself in
such a way that thoughts, emotions, and actions lead to posi-
tive, socially acceptable results. Because it has to do with inhibit-
ing thoughts, controlling impulses, and following through with
plans, emotional self-regulation is an aspect of executive func-
tion. When executive function is weak, a child may have diffi-
culty getting started with an assignment, following directions,
or controlling emotions. This may be especially true when situ-
ations arise that the child perceives as frustrating, threatening,
or unfair.
How can you help your child develop emotional self-
regulation?
1. Model it. When we teach a new skill in math or language
arts, we model the correct way to approach the problem. We
verbalize what we are thinking and the steps we are taking. In
the same way, parents can model appropriate ways to handle
situations that are emotional triggers for their children.
This can be done formally through role playing, preferably
during a time when your child is calm. Or it can be done less
formally by taking the time to talk about how and why you acted
the way you did during a frustrating situation, i.e., being placed
on hold for 20 minutes, encountering a rude clerk, or experienc-
ing poor service at a restaurant.
2. Encourage “flexible thinking.” In his book Respectful Kids,
psychologist Todd Cartmell describes the idea of training chil-
dren to have flexible thinking—to consider that there is more
than one way to look at a situation. For children younger than
age 8, he suggests handing the child a rubber band and hav-
ing him stretch and move it about. The rubber band is flexible.
Next, hand your child a dry wooden stick and have him try the
same movements as with the rubber band. The stick will break.
Dr. Cartmell explains:
“Explain that your child can choose to be flexible like a
rubber band or get mad and break like an old stick. It all
depends on whether he uses flexible thoughts or mad
thoughts. Flexible thoughts will help him stay calm and re-
spectful and lead to a lot more fun. Mad thoughts lead to
angry feelings and disrespectful actions that will get him in
trouble.” (Respectful Kids, p. 55)
To really help your child grasp the idea of flexible thinking, you
need to model it in front of him and help him think of other ways
to look at situations that are making him angry and upset.
You Can Teach Your Children to Regulate Their Emotions
BY KRISA WINN, HSLDA SPECIAL NEEDS CONSULTANT, 2019 HOMESCHOOL IOWA CONFERENCE SPEAKER